On Dress Code
 
You are advised to come to work dressed  according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a  Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

On Sick Leaves
 
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are
able to come to work.

On Vacation Leaves

Each employee is entitled to 104 vacation leaves a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

On Bereavement Leaves

This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead  friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the later afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you  to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

On Comfort Room Breaks

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

On Lunch Breaks

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.  Chubby people get  5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.